The Ugly Americans

(Photo by Chris McGrath / Getty Images)

The devastating earthquake and tsunami here in Japan have brought out the best from Americans, who have demonstrated their generosity and compassion in many different ways.

But then there are the assholes – Americans who bring shame on themselves and their country.

Recently, some Americans have taken to Facebook, Twitter, and other venues, insisting that the horrible suffering of the Japanese people was “karma” for the attack on Pearl Harbor some 70 years ago. They just can’t seem to muster up any sympathy or compassion for the victims here because, hey, those 18,000 people deserved to die. Apparently, these dicks aren’t aware that Japan paid a steep price for their misadventures in World War 2, but maybe they just think that it wasn’t enough and that now God or some other cosmic entity is entitled to exact even more revenge.

Here’s a small sampling of some of the truly hateful comments:

“screw japan they got what they dederve. any remember pearl horbor I do .they killed thousands of anericans and would do it again. kill em all let god sort emm out.”

“I bet when the people who live in Pearl Harbor found out about the earthquake in #Japan…they smiled on the inside.”

“it pissis me off all this help japan crap thats rite lets help japan the friendly people that brought u pearl harbor…”

(I think it’s very telling that most of the people who make these kinds of comments seem to have no concept of what spelling and grammar are all about.)

In any event, I’m pretty sure these folks represent just a small minority, but if you’re someone who thinks like this, you’re a really horrible person and it’s why nobody likes you.

When Sukiyaki is Not Sukiyaki

Way back in 1963, something very rare occurred. A Japanese song – sung in Japanese – captured the hearts of Americans and made it all the way to #1 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Chart. It was called “Ue o Muite Arukou,” which means “I Look Up as I Walk,” and it was sung by a famous Japanese singer named Kyu Sakamoto. The song told the story of a guy who was walking around feeling sorry for himself and being oh-so-careful to look up so that his tears wouldn’t fall to the ground. I’ve always been the type, myself, to carelessly allow my tears to litter the sidewalk as I saunter along. But that’s just me.

Oddly enough, the song became even more famous in later years as English singers began singing cover versions of the tune. Along the way, the title was changed to “Sukiyaki” because there was apparently some concern that the original Japanese title would be too hard to remember and/or pronounce. The fact that the song had absolutely nothing to do with sukiyaki, a tasty Japanese beef dish, didn’t deter anyone – which inspired a Newsweek columnist to note that the title change would be equivalent to “issuing ‘Moon River’ in Japan under the title ‘Beef Stew.’”

By the way, if you’re interested in cooking some sukiyaki, this video will teach you how. The instructions are given by a French poodle. Try not to let that distract you.

The Mysterious World of Cat Cafes

Cat cafes have been gaining in popularity in Japan over the last 5 years or so. No, cats are NOT on the menu in these establishments, but they are on just about everything else – the counters, the tables, the shelves, and the floor (not so much on the ceiling, oddly enough). These are small cafes where cat lovers can go and relax with a whole bunch of cats. Patrons sip their coffee while the kitties dine on delicious tuna and milk. I’m guessing that your food items may be accompanied by an occasional cat hair, but that’s a small price to pay for feline friendship.

The popularity of these unique cafes has been attributed, at least in part, to the fact that while Japanese people love the kitties, many apartment owners are really mean and won’t allow their tenants to keep a furry companion in their apartment. I know from personal experience that owning a cat can severely limit your apartment choices.

The cats seem to enjoy living in the cafes, where they are surrounded by attention and all the food they can eat. Patrons are usually asked, however, not to pick up the cats, and are obviously banned from playing catch with them, or wagering on any cat fights that may break out.

(Photo from teddyhilton.com)

Snakes in a Jar

Have you ever considered putting a venomous snake into your next bottle of alcohol? Perhaps so, if you’re one of those “I’ll do anything once” kind of people.

In Naha, Okinawa, from whence I have just returned, a lot of the stores on Kokusai Street sell snakes in jars to gullible Americans. Brewers have taken poisonous habu snakes, indigenous to the area, and stuffed them into perfectly fine jars of liquor known as awamori (a kind of rice wine), and then allowed them to soak for several weeks. The snakes supposedly provide some sort of medicinal benefit to humans, but not so much to the snakes.

These little cuties can be pretty pricey. A really big jar could set you back in the neighborhood of $1000. But really, that’s a small price to pay for that extra jolt of snake juice in the morning to get you going through your day. They say the alcohol kills the venom, but “they” say lots of things. Are you going to believe everything people tell you?

Personally, I think its value as a conversation piece probably outweighs its value as liquor, but never having sampled it, I could be wrong. If you really want to have fun, put a snake in a jar on your unsuspecting spouse’s night table in the middle of the night, and wait for the morning sun to rise.

The World’s Smallest Bowl of Ramen

One of the first things you notice when you come to Japan is that a lot of things are smaller than what you might be used to. If you’re even a little on the large side, you can feel a bit like Gulliver at times.

But this is ridiculous.

A couple of years ago, Japanese scientists at the University of Tokyo created a bowl of ramen so small that it was only visible through a microscope. (Apparently they weren’t all that hungry.) Somebody with really tiny fingers and a really tiny tape measure determined that the bowl had a diameter of 1/25,000 of an inch. Except for the fact that the ramen noodles aren’t actually edible, it’s a dieter’s dream lunch.

Why, you may ask, would they want to create this unusual item? Good question. Apparently they were just showing off – demonstrating their new cutting-edge technology and saying to the rest of the world’s scientists, “Okay, let’s see you top THAT!” But, on the other hand, if we ever get to the point where we can send scientists into our bodies (a la Fantastic Voyage), these teeny tiny bowls of ramen will probably be pretty darn popular!

“What Are We, Chopped Tempura?”

Pink Lady was one of the hottest pop groups to come out of Japan in the 70s. Mitsuyo Nemoto (Mie) and Keiko Masuda (Kei) are now in their early 50s, but they still have a loyal following and still occasionally hit the stage together.

In 1979, Mie and Kei decided it was time to conquer the American market, and had some success when a song called “Kiss in the Dark” hit #37 on the Billboard Top 40 chart. But then in 1980, disaster struck when they appeared alongside comedian Jeff Altman in a show on NBC called “Pink Lady and Jeff” – a show which lasted only 6 weeks and is still regarded by many as the worst American TV show of all time.

Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all, I guess.

Part of the problem was that Mie and Kei had a decidedly limited ability to speak English, so they had to memorize everything phonetically, something which apparently was very stressful for them. But they were troopers, and they carried on with aplomb. These days, the series is one of those “so bad, it’s good” kind of things, and rates high on the campy meter. For me, it holds a special place in my heart and in my DVD collection.

In the clip from the show above, the girls appear with the one and only Hugh Hefner, as they get ready to become Playboy Bunnies in the Tokyo club.

 

How to Have Sex With an Octopus

When one of my podcast listeners insisted on blaming the declining Japanese birth rate on tentacle porn, I thought he was pulling my, uh, leg. But apparently having sex with octopi is something that’s a part of the whole hentai world – the somewhat seedier side of anime and manga.

Tentacle porn (or tentacle erotica, if one were inclined to be more literary), apparently has a storied history. It’s been traced back to an erotic woodblock painting from 1814 – Hokusai‘s “Dream of a Fisherman’s Wife” (see above). Modern tentacle porn took off about 20 years ago when manga artists realized that although they were prohibited by law from portraying an actual penis, the law said absolutely nothing about other appendages. The tentacle loophole was born!

So sure, the concept is a bit perverse, but the next time you’re in the sack with your sweetie, imagine the fun you could have if you had eight hands. I guess that’s my point.